Having reached a point in my life where I can look back with a little clarity I am surprised by what I see. What seemed to be mistakes and failures come into focus as lessons. Being a slow learner or just stubborn I had to repeat a few lessons… a few times. Okay, so I stumble around looking for answers that are right in front of me.
It has taken time to realize the difficult consequences that came with the remedial lessons were often the result of my own resistance to follow my path. It took me awhile to see that path. Many years ago I knew I was “called” by God. Given my young age and limited experience, instead of asking “called to what?” I started out in the only direction I knew to follow the call of God only to have the door slammed in my face after a good hard kick by the institutional church.
That began a long downward spiral of questions and blame. Why me? Why did God call me if I can’t fulfill my call? Why am I being punished? What’s wrong with me? People were standing in line to answer that last one. And unfortunately I believed them.
It has taken time to realize there is nothing wrong with me. I am still discovering who I was created to be and how to take care of my body, mind and spirit. What in the past were seen as limitations are actually gifts. I am learning that I am indeed unique and “fearfully and wonderfully made.”
Instead of being called to pastoral ministry I am called to know God in a way the institutional church is afraid of even imagining. I am called to live in the awareness of the presence of God in all of creation. I am called to remember that being a Christian is more than “inviting Jesus into my heart,” it is living the Christ life. I am called to learn to live in peace and without fear and to help others find the way for themselves. Thank you God!